I'm constantly on my toes. Fighting a proverbial war. A war against roaches. And specifically speaking in the warmer months, such as now, in TX when they mate (which I was told by the boyfriend). I'm constantly in fear when moving any objects in my house. And between me and my roomie there are a lot of objects in which one dark, gross, and disease carrying insect can hide. Every morning I wake up and every night before I go to bed, I check shit. With shoe in hand I check my sheets, behind my shower curtain, and pretty much sniper scan the entire vicinity when I re locate to a new room in the house. Sometimes I'll find one, or it will find me, and I am so freaked out by it and the actual situation that I freeze. I'm scared to let it disappear again but I"m more frightened by the idea of having to kill it. Hence this being the topic of my post. The other day at home with my boyfriend we were getting ready to leave, not sure where, I don't keep score on that shit. I couldn't find the shoes I planned on wearing so I went in the next room to scan it out. Nothing. So I headed back out and into our bedroom. Kelly was standing in the doorway leading out of the room as I was walking in and literally, right above his head was a giant roach. HUGE. And it was just sitting there hanging out, ready to drop down at any moment. I screamed, he screamed "WHAT????!", I shouted "UP!", then I ran out slamming the door behind me, which I of course caught my shoe on and fell face first into dirty laundry. The story of my life. He shrugged, laughed, and rolled his eyes at me with a sly smile. He gets those smiles when he thinks I'm cute and realizes why he loves me - he must have a thing for clumsy girls. So once again the shoe move was pulled (see childhood memory below). He leaned down and untied his shoe, took off his shoe, aimed his shoe, and fired said shoe at the nasty bugger. Right on point that sexy bearded man beast got the roach. He might have got all of it's bodily contents all over the hardwoods, made a ton of noise in doing so, and sent our dog running scared through the house but he killed it and that was all that mattered. The roach was killed.
Have you ever killed a roach? Yeah. It's a frightening experience. Either one of two things will happen; you will squish the roach and maim him but he will still scamper away, minus some legs, maybe some guts hanging out, and an antennae missing. Or two, you will brutally end his life with way more force than necessary and not only will he die but all of his insides will go everywhere!! Not to mention the disgusting crunching noise his body will make collapsing under the shoe you used to end his life. The worst part of all of this is that if I do in fact get up the gumption to kill it, and after I have done so, I'm still in fear. In fear because it confirms that where there is 1 roach dead, there are many many others where that one came from. Roaches have families and their families are also roaches. We should kill roaches because they have families.
I can't even pretend that I'm not afraid of them. I honestly used to try and pretend but it's kind of hard when you're eyes bug out of your head, you get flustered, and then loudly freak the fuck out! People would tell me "You're way bigger than a spider." Well guess what? I'm bigger than a grenade too. I'm afraid of a lot of things that are smaller than me - I'm even kind of afraid of ants a little bit. Roaches a fucking scary. I don't know why. I don't need to know why. All I know is that when a roach comes crawling across the floor at me, my brain interprets it like this: a roach with a swastika and the words "I kill you" carved into it's crunchy flesh and it has knives and guns strapped to it's legs. That's how scary roaches are. I am the girl at the play, the girl in the hotel lobby, the girl at the party, and even the girl meeting my boyfriends mom for the first time who FREAKS OUT at any roach in close proximity to me. I'll try and keep my composure but the panic bubbles to the surface and I uncontrollably explode screaming "Getitgetitgetit!! HURRY!?" I don't even care how embarrassing I look or am. I hate roaches. They're like little pieces of scary wrapped in bacteria.
So where might all this fear of roaches come from, you ask?? Well, a horrible childhood memory of course. One of which I like to pretend never happened yet my mother likes to laugh at me and confirm otherwise...It all happened in my bedroom one Sunday morning before church. I used to sleep in my undies, as I still do, so when my mom finally woke me up that's all I was wearing. My skivvies (I promise I'm going somewhere with the underwear scenario). So of course, as an underwear wearing small girl with bed head, I decided to also have my breakfast in this fashion. I used to eat waffles like they were going out of style...just saying. After my chow fest I was told to return to my room and get dressed in the clothes my mom had laid out for me. Being my mom who knows me quite well, she made sure I knew not to goof around in my play room or "there will be consequences!". That was an under statement if I ever heard one. I had a huge barbie mansion in my room next to my bed; but mind you, I was a tomboy, and it was full of ninja turtles and lego men. But I adored my barbie mansion in all its pink and pale blue roofed glory. I was still in my underwear with my back to the barbie house when I was putting on my ruffled white socks. I guess my mom had a hunch that I was making slow progress so she came in the room to move it along. She was sitting on the bed facing me, my naked back still to the barbie house, and told me to put my arms up so she could slip my sun dress over me. I at this time, also insisted on deodorant...I'm 8. I guess with all the action figurines residing in my barbie house, my mom and I both failed to notice the giant tree roach watching me get dressed - rude! So long story short, this behemoth of a McNasty Roach decides he's had enough of the barbie house living and should move along on to me. Specifically my naked back. I don't notice this has even happened until he starts moving along (blehhhhhh it gives me the goose bumpies just thinking about it). I turn around in horror and then my mom realizes why and screams too. So of course she has to protect her child right? This creature must be destroyed stat! So she grabs the first thing she sees to end it's life, and apparently that's all that was running through her head because the next thing I remember was "WHoMP!" in my back. Face plant to the ground, my sun dress is half on over my head, and my back is pulsing fire. My own mother just nailed me in the back with a shoe and didn't' even remotely kill the roach. To this day, I'll never know where that roach disappeared to and I'll always be frightened of the possibilities of that thought.
P.S. As I just finished and was about to post a roach crawled out of the trash can, or what I at least think was the trash can, and into the litter box. I don't even know what to do with that. Guess I'll wait until Kelly comes back from the bar....
UPDATE 6/23: If you were wondering where the roach that crawled out of the apparent trash can and into the litter box came from...I figured it out. It did NOT come from the trash can. I opened up the bottom kitchen cabinet for some plastic baggies I keep from groceries - was going to scoop to box. And I found a bag of dog kibble under there, which Kelly had bought not even a month ago, under there as well. I thought "Hells yeah!! Isn't that nifty, the Bug was beginning to run low!!" It felt about half full so I opened it up to check and low and behold what should I find. AHHHHHH! Not 1, 2, or 9 roaches but like a plethora of them! It was like 12 different family trees living in that bag. Seriously. And it was all sizes too. I'm sure they came and went as they pleased, seeing as they had an endless supply of dog food, a roof over their head and AC from the sweltering summer heat outside per the boyfriend. I dropped the bag screaming!! I swear I could have killed Kelly right then and there! Ooooooooh how his cute bearded face saves his ass on multiple occasions - then he laughs and says "But hey, look at it this way, now you have an update for your roach post." Punk
Have you ever killed a roach? Yeah. It's a frightening experience. Either one of two things will happen; you will squish the roach and maim him but he will still scamper away, minus some legs, maybe some guts hanging out, and an antennae missing. Or two, you will brutally end his life with way more force than necessary and not only will he die but all of his insides will go everywhere!! Not to mention the disgusting crunching noise his body will make collapsing under the shoe you used to end his life. The worst part of all of this is that if I do in fact get up the gumption to kill it, and after I have done so, I'm still in fear. In fear because it confirms that where there is 1 roach dead, there are many many others where that one came from. Roaches have families and their families are also roaches. We should kill roaches because they have families.
I can't even pretend that I'm not afraid of them. I honestly used to try and pretend but it's kind of hard when you're eyes bug out of your head, you get flustered, and then loudly freak the fuck out! People would tell me "You're way bigger than a spider." Well guess what? I'm bigger than a grenade too. I'm afraid of a lot of things that are smaller than me - I'm even kind of afraid of ants a little bit. Roaches a fucking scary. I don't know why. I don't need to know why. All I know is that when a roach comes crawling across the floor at me, my brain interprets it like this: a roach with a swastika and the words "I kill you" carved into it's crunchy flesh and it has knives and guns strapped to it's legs. That's how scary roaches are. I am the girl at the play, the girl in the hotel lobby, the girl at the party, and even the girl meeting my boyfriends mom for the first time who FREAKS OUT at any roach in close proximity to me. I'll try and keep my composure but the panic bubbles to the surface and I uncontrollably explode screaming "Getitgetitgetit!! HURRY!?" I don't even care how embarrassing I look or am. I hate roaches. They're like little pieces of scary wrapped in bacteria.
So where might all this fear of roaches come from, you ask?? Well, a horrible childhood memory of course. One of which I like to pretend never happened yet my mother likes to laugh at me and confirm otherwise...It all happened in my bedroom one Sunday morning before church. I used to sleep in my undies, as I still do, so when my mom finally woke me up that's all I was wearing. My skivvies (I promise I'm going somewhere with the underwear scenario). So of course, as an underwear wearing small girl with bed head, I decided to also have my breakfast in this fashion. I used to eat waffles like they were going out of style...just saying. After my chow fest I was told to return to my room and get dressed in the clothes my mom had laid out for me. Being my mom who knows me quite well, she made sure I knew not to goof around in my play room or "there will be consequences!". That was an under statement if I ever heard one. I had a huge barbie mansion in my room next to my bed; but mind you, I was a tomboy, and it was full of ninja turtles and lego men. But I adored my barbie mansion in all its pink and pale blue roofed glory. I was still in my underwear with my back to the barbie house when I was putting on my ruffled white socks. I guess my mom had a hunch that I was making slow progress so she came in the room to move it along. She was sitting on the bed facing me, my naked back still to the barbie house, and told me to put my arms up so she could slip my sun dress over me. I at this time, also insisted on deodorant...I'm 8. I guess with all the action figurines residing in my barbie house, my mom and I both failed to notice the giant tree roach watching me get dressed - rude! So long story short, this behemoth of a McNasty Roach decides he's had enough of the barbie house living and should move along on to me. Specifically my naked back. I don't notice this has even happened until he starts moving along (blehhhhhh it gives me the goose bumpies just thinking about it). I turn around in horror and then my mom realizes why and screams too. So of course she has to protect her child right? This creature must be destroyed stat! So she grabs the first thing she sees to end it's life, and apparently that's all that was running through her head because the next thing I remember was "WHoMP!" in my back. Face plant to the ground, my sun dress is half on over my head, and my back is pulsing fire. My own mother just nailed me in the back with a shoe and didn't' even remotely kill the roach. To this day, I'll never know where that roach disappeared to and I'll always be frightened of the possibilities of that thought.
P.S. As I just finished and was about to post a roach crawled out of the trash can, or what I at least think was the trash can, and into the litter box. I don't even know what to do with that. Guess I'll wait until Kelly comes back from the bar....
UPDATE 6/23: If you were wondering where the roach that crawled out of the apparent trash can and into the litter box came from...I figured it out. It did NOT come from the trash can. I opened up the bottom kitchen cabinet for some plastic baggies I keep from groceries - was going to scoop to box. And I found a bag of dog kibble under there, which Kelly had bought not even a month ago, under there as well. I thought "Hells yeah!! Isn't that nifty, the Bug was beginning to run low!!" It felt about half full so I opened it up to check and low and behold what should I find. AHHHHHH! Not 1, 2, or 9 roaches but like a plethora of them! It was like 12 different family trees living in that bag. Seriously. And it was all sizes too. I'm sure they came and went as they pleased, seeing as they had an endless supply of dog food, a roof over their head and AC from the sweltering summer heat outside per the boyfriend. I dropped the bag screaming!! I swear I could have killed Kelly right then and there! Ooooooooh how his cute bearded face saves his ass on multiple occasions - then he laughs and says "But hey, look at it this way, now you have an update for your roach post." Punk
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